I Married You For Better Or Worse, But Not For Lunch

Article from Forbes Online Magazine, written by Robert Laura, a Retirement Activist.

That’s how one of my workshop audience members commented when asked how he planned to manage his relationship with his spouse during retirement.  Another woman exited my presentation, walked all the way to her car, and then walked all the way back again just to say, “I wish my retired husband had been here to hear your talk so he could figure out how to get his lazy butt off the couch.”

I wish those were the only examples of what happens to couples when they retire, but comments such as, “As long as he’s out of the house by 10 AM, retirement should be good” are almost universal.

While many current and soon-to-be retirees are aware of the potential dangers of being left with nothing to do but alphabetize their wife’s spice rack, or making the mistake of scheduling things for their husband that conflict with his golf league, there are a number of conversations couples need to have, and work through, in order to avoid becoming the odd couple during their golden years.

Everyday life in retirement generates its own assumptions and stereotypes. People often create mental images and visualize what their daily activities will be once retired, yet they aren’t always effective in communicating them, which is exactly where relationship problems usually stem from. If, for example, you assume you and your spouse will eat every meal together … you’ll both agree on how often you’ll watch the grandkids … and equally divide up household responsibilities … but these issues aren’t discussed before you retire … they can become points of contention and cause conflict later like the example of the woman who made it a point to share her frustration about her retired husband on the couch.

A host of potentially damaging assumptions and stereotypes can be resolved by taking retirement planning beyond dollars-and-cents considerations to include proactive discussions with each other, family members, and friends.  By taking the time and energy to do so at the beginning, couples can establish a strong retirement foundation from which to build on throughout retirement.

In my book Naked Retirement and Retirement Wellness workshops, I encourage couples to ask themselves a series of questions to help initiate retirement conversations, establish shared expectations, eliminate mental assumptions, and strengthen relationships.

1) What does your perfect day and a perfect week in retirement look like? 

Consider what time you will wake up and go to bed; if you’ll eat breakfast, lunch and dinner together; what errands and household responsibilities need to be done each week and who will do them; and discuss how much alone time each of you may want or need.

2) What does your job provide that you will miss in retirement? 

Think about the mental, social and physical aspects of your work.  Which are important to you?  What steps can you take to either maintain or replace them?

3) How will you identify yourself during retirement?

Reflect on the last time you were introduced to a retired person. Did they identify themselves as such?  If so, what was your first impression of them?  How would you like people to refer to you once retired?

4) What will you do with your time during retirement? 

Assess whether or not you will need to maintain a structured schedule or if you can effectively go with the flow. Be mindful of the fact that too much unstructured time can sometimes lead to the dark side of retirement, including addiction and depression.

5) How will you stay connected with family and friends who are still working?

Be sure to consider how moving or spending extended time away from them will impact relations with family and friends.  What interests do you share that you can use to maintain the relationship out of the workplace?

6) How will your retirement plans affect your family? 

Be sure to discuss if there will be more or less visiting, what role you will play with grandkids, and how will you communicate these plans to your family.

7) What role will your physical and mental health play in your retirement?

Consider what healthy habits you hope to incorporate into your retirement and what bad habits need to be monitored or curbed?

These questions can be a great starting point for developing open and healthy communication patterns between couples and between retirees and their friends and family. They can also serve as fundamental building blocks to re-build upon should retirement plans change. Whether it’s an illness, an accident, sudden wealth, or a child moving back home, there are a myriad of things that can alter retirement living. All of which make having healthy and dynamic relationships just as important as a traditional dollars-and-cents retirement plan.

Source: Forbes Online Magazine

kumaran nadaraja